When Love Hurts: Understanding Sexual Assault Within Domestic Violence

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month--a time to raise awareness, challenge misconceptions, and support survivors. When people hear the term “sexual assault,” they often picture a stranger. But in reality, sexual violence frequently occurs within intimate relationships, making it harder to recognize and even harder to talk about.

For many survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault is not a separate experience—it is part of a larger pattern of abuse rooted in power and control.
 
Breaking the Myth: It Can Happen in a Relationship
One of the most harmful misconceptions about sexual assault is the belief that it cannot occur between partners. This myth can make it incredibly difficult for survivors to recognize what they are experiencing, and even harder to speak out.

It’s important to understand that consent is required in every relationship—every time. Being in a relationship does not mean giving up autonomy over your body, and it does not create an obligation to engage in sexual activity. Consent must be freely given, mutual, and ongoing. It cannot be assumed based on past experiences, relationship status, or expectations.

In healthy relationships, both partners feel safe expressing their needs and boundaries without fear of pressure, guilt, or retaliation. When that sense of safety is removed, and one partner uses manipulation, intimidation, or force to engage in sexual activity, it crosses the line into abuse.

Sexual violence within abusive relationships can present in a variety of ways including:

• Being pressured, manipulated, or guilted into sex
• Being forced into sexual acts without consent
• Feeling afraid to say “no” due to a partner’s reaction
• Being coerced into activities that feel uncomfortable or degrading
• Experiencing sex as a tool for control, punishment, or intimidation

 
Understanding Consent
At the heart of this issue is a clear understanding of consent. Consent is not silence, and it is not the absence of resistance. It is a clear, enthusiastic, and ongoing agreement between partners.

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, where both individuals feel safe to:

• Set and communicate boundaries
• Change their minds at any time
• Express discomfort without fear of retaliation
• Have their “no” respected without question

When pressure, fear, manipulation, or intimidation are present, consent cannot be freely given. Without consent, any sexual activity becomes a violation.
 
Why It Often Goes Unrecognized
Sexual assault within intimate relationships is one of the most underreported forms of abuse. Because it occurs within the context of trust, love, or commitment, many survivors struggle to identify their experiences as assault.

The data reflects just how common—and hidden—this issue is. In the United States, more than 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men experience some form of violence, including sexual violence, by an intimate partner in their lifetime¹. At the same time, sexual violence overall is widespread, with nearly half of women and more than 1 in 6 men experiencing it at some point in their lives².

Yet despite how prevalent it is, most cases never come to light. Studies show that two-thirds of sexual assaults are never reported, often due to fear, shame, or concerns about not being believed³. This silence is especially common when the person causing harm is a partner.

There are many reasons this type of abuse goes unrecognized. Survivors may care deeply for their partner and feel conflicted about labeling the behavior as harmful. They may have been told—explicitly or implicitly—that sex is an expectation or obligation within a relationship. Some worry they won’t be believed, especially when there are no visible signs of harm. Others may fear the emotional, financial, or physical consequences of speaking out.

Research also shows that a significant portion of sexual violence is committed by someone the survivor knows, including intimate partners4, reinforcing how deeply this issue is tied to relationships rather than isolated incidents.

Over time, these experiences can lead survivors to question their own perceptions. They may minimize what is happening or place blame on themselves rather than the person causing harm. This internal struggle can be incredibly isolating, reinforcing the false belief that they are alone in what they are experiencing.

Support isn’t about having all the answers — it’s about showing up with compassion and care.

A Pattern of Power and Control
Sexual violence within a relationship rarely exists in isolation. It is often one piece of a broader pattern of domestic violence that may include emotional abuse, financial control, isolation, or physical harm.

Abusive partners may use sex as a way to assert dominance, maintain control, or reinforce power imbalances. This can create a cycle where the survivor feels increasingly trapped—emotionally, physically, and psychologically.

It’s important to understand that this behavior is not about intimacy, desire, or connection. It is about control.

Recognizing this pattern is a critical step in understanding the full scope of domestic violence and supporting those who experience it.
 
Supporting Survivors
If someone you know may be experiencing sexual violence within a relationship, your response matters.

Start by listening without judgment. Create a safe space for them to share their experience and believe what they tell you. Avoid asking questions that may feel blaming, such as “Why didn’t you leave?” Instead, focus on offering support and understanding.

You can also:

• Remind them that what they are experiencing is not their fault
• Encourage them to seek support from trusted resources
• Respect their choices and timeline, even if you don’t fully understand them

Support isn’t about having all the answers — it’s about showing up with compassion and care.
 
Moving Forward Together
This April, during Sexual Assault Awareness Month, we have an opportunity to expand the conversation around sexual violence and challenge the myths that keep it hidden.

By acknowledging that sexual assault can and does occur within intimate relationships, we take an important step toward breaking the silence. Education helps people recognize unhealthy behaviors, supports survivors in naming their experiences, and creates pathways toward healing and safety. If you ever feel unsafe or unsure about your relationship, reaching out for help can make a difference.

If you need support, please call our 24/7 Crisis Hotline at 706-387-0100 to speak with a trained advocate who can help you explore your options and connect you with local resources.

You can also reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or texting “START” to 88788 for additional support and information.
And if someone you love might be experiencing abuse, remember — simply being there, listening without judgment, and reminding them they deserve respect can mean more than you realize.
 
References
1.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022). Preventing sexual violence. https:
​2 Smith, S. G., Zhang, X., Basile, K. C., Merrick, M. T., Wang, J., Kresnow, M., & Chen, J. (2022). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2016/2017 report on sexual violence. National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
3 Virginia Sexual & Domestic Violence Action Alliance. (2023). National intimate partner and sexual violence survey overview. https://vawnet.org
4 Fairfax County Government. (2023). Sexual violence statistics. https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/familyservices/domestic-sexual-violence/sexual-violence/statistics